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1. HABITS THAT SABOTAGE LOVE AND WE NEED TO AVOID FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

HABITS THAT SABOTAGE LOVE AND WE NEED TO AVOID FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

We’ve All Been There Before

You meet someone new, and everything seems to click. The chemistry is strong, the connection feels natural, and intimacy comes easily. As things progress, you begin spending more time together and start having conversations about making the relationship official. Then, suddenly, anxiety hits. You start pulling away—taking longer to reply to messages, canceling plans, and avoiding deeper conversations about commitment. Your partner becomes confused, hurt, or upset, and before long, the relationship falls apart. If this scenario sounds familiar, you may be engaging in self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. While these patterns can be harmful, the good news is that with awareness and understanding, you can identify the root causes, recognize the warning signs, and begin learning healthier ways to connect and cope.

Most of us have experienced that moment in a relationship when it suddenly feels familiar—like, “Wait, haven’t I been through this before?” That unsettling sense of déjà vu often reveals that we’ve fallen into the same relationship pattern again, just with a different person. This isn’t something we do on purpose. Rather, it happens because we unconsciously repeat deeply rooted habits and emotional patterns that keep us stuck in the same relational cycles.

What reasons lead to Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?

The reasons behind self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships vary from person to person. Each individual’s background—how they were raised, their childhood environment, teenage experiences, and early romantic relationships—shapes how they relate to others today. One of the most common underlying causes is fear of intimacy. This fear arises when someone feels uncomfortable with emotional or physical closeness, even though they crave connection. While everyone desires intimacy, those who’ve had painful or confusing past experiences may associate closeness with hurt, rejection, or loss. As a result, they often develop a push-and-pull dynamic—seeking connection but withdrawing when it feels too close—eventually leading to conflict, emotional distance, or the end of the relationship.

Childhood Trauma

Fear of intimacy often stems from painful or abusive experiences in early life, particularly within relationships with parents or caregivers. When a child endures physical, emotional, or sexual trauma, it can instill a deep-seated belief that “those closest to me cannot be trusted.” Because their first experiences of love and trust were damaged by betrayal or harm, individuals who fear intimacy often carry the expectation that anyone who loves them will eventually cause pain. As children, they had no control or ability to leave those unsafe relationships—but as adults, they may unconsciously protect themselves by pulling away or ending relationships, even when those relationships are healthy and supportive.

Fears

This fear of intimacy often shows up in two main forms: fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. With fear of abandonment, individuals worry that those they care about will leave them—especially when they are most emotionally open or vulnerable. With fear of engulfment, the concern shifts inward; people fear losing their independence, sense of self, or ability to make their own choices within a close relationship. These two fears often coexist, creating the classic push-and-pull pattern—longing for closeness yet pulling away when it starts to feel too risky or overwhelming.

Signs you Self-Sabotage in Relationships

There are many signs that you might have a tendency to self-sabotage even the best of relationships. Signs of self-sabotaging behavior include:

Looking for an Out

You tend to shy away from anything that signals deeper commitment—like meeting your partner’s family, moving in together, or discussing the future. You often find yourself thinking, “If this doesn’t work out, how can I get out easily?” Because commitment limits your freedom to leave without emotional or financial consequences, you naturally resist it. As a result, you may start withdrawing, becoming distant, or even avoiding spending time with your partner altogether.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior that invalidates your partner’s reality or emotions. For example, if your partner says, “I’m hurt that you canceled our date,” you might respond, “You’re not really hurt—it’s your fault I canceled, and now you’re just blaming me.” This kind of response shows an inability or unwillingness to acknowledge your partner’s feelings as real or valid, which can deeply damage trust and emotional safety in the relationship.

Serial Dating

Your friends may notice that you move quickly from one relationship to another, often ending things for minor reasons. You might tell yourself that you just haven’t found the right person, yet the pattern repeats—you break up and soon start dating again. You may not want to be perceived as a “player,” but your fear of commitment keeps you from staying in one relationship long enough to build genuine intimacy.

Jealousy

You constantly fear that your partner might be cheating or hiding something from you. This leads to controlling behavior—wanting to know where they are, who they’re with, and demanding constant contact. When your partner spends time with others, you become anxious, text excessively, or demand reassurance of their loyalty. Over time, your partner may feel suffocated by the lack of trust and decide to walk away.

Criticism

You set impossibly high standards for your partner and find fault in nearly everything they do—their habits, appearance, or even how they speak. Despite knowing that perfection doesn’t exist, you keep nitpicking until your partner feels defeated and gives up trying to please you. This constant criticism becomes a defense mechanism—keeping you emotionally distant so you won’t get too close or vulnerable.

Avoidance

You may convince yourself that your relationship is fine, even when problems are obvious. When your partner tries to talk about issues, you deflect or insist, “There’s nothing wrong—it’ll sort itself out.” This denial prevents honest communication and problem-solving. Eventually, your partner becomes frustrated by your unwillingness to address concerns and may end the relationship.

Grudges

When you hold on to resentment, your anger never really fades. You might constantly bring up past mistakes, no matter how much time has passed or how much your partner tries to make things right. Clinging to grudges serves as a form of self-protection—keeping others at a distance so they can’t hurt you again. Unfortunately, it also blocks closeness and intimacy.

Promiscuity

While consensual non-monogamy can be healthy when both partners agree, constantly engaging in affairs or casual encounters behind your partner’s back can signal self-sabotage. Deep down, you might be creating a situation where your partner discovers the betrayal and leaves—fulfilling your fear that love always ends in pain.

Low Self-Esteem

You often speak negatively about yourself, saying things like, “I’m not good enough for you,” or “You’re only with me because you feel sorry for me.” This kind of self-deprecating talk reflects low self-worth. Even when your partner reassures you that you are loved and valued, rejecting their words over and over can wear them down emotionally. Eventually, they may leave—not because they don’t care, but because constant negativity makes the relationship feel hopeless.

Holding On to Fixed Narratives

Unhelpful relationship behaviors often stem from long-standing beliefs or unresolved experiences from childhood. These early impressions shape our subconscious self-image, leading us to interpret our current relationships through a fixed perspective. To break free from this loop, approach your story with curiosity instead of judgment. This mindset allows you to step back and view your actions as patterns—not as flaws—helping you uncover valuable insights about yourself.

For instance, maybe you often find yourself drawn to partners who constantly need your help or emotional support. You might frame this as simply being caring or kind. But if you look deeper, you may realize that part of your identity has become tied to being the “good” or “needed” person. By releasing that old story, you free yourself from seeking validation from those who drain you and open the door to healthier, more balanced relationships where both partners nurture each other.

Masking Your True Feelings

In my work as a relationship coach, one of the main goals is helping people learn emotional regulation—the ability to recognize and express feelings such as insecurity, anger, sadness, or pain without ignoring or suppressing them. Research shows that managing emotions in healthy ways supports mental and emotional well-being. When emotions spiral out of control, unhealthy patterns often emerge. Over time, these reactions can become automatic, leading to behaviors like dissociation, people-pleasing, avoiding vulnerability, repressing needs, or pretending to be someone you’re not. Although these coping mechanisms offer short-term relief, they also create distance from genuine connection and make it easier to overlook red flags or attract emotionally unavailable partners.

 

When you’re emotionally grounded, however, you can form healthier relationship habits. You gain the confidence to speak uncomfortable truths and communicate more openly. Start by noticing your emotions as they arise—observe where they sit in your body, breathe through them, and stay present. This simple but powerful practice builds emotional resilience, deepens self-awareness, and opens the door to more authentic intimacy with others.

Dwelling on Past Behaviors

When redefining your self-image, it’s natural to reflect on who you once were—and that can feel painful or even shameful. You might find yourself cringing at past mistakes, regretting how you treated others, or worrying about what people think of your past actions. While it’s easy to be hard on yourself, self-compassion is key. Research consistently links self-compassion to better mental health and overall well-being. It allows you to forgive yourself, acknowledge your inherent worth beyond your past, and extend kindness to every version of who you’ve been. By viewing yourself with grace, you create a safe inner space to heal and grow. Loving even the shadowed parts of yourself helps you feel worthy of love and capable of change. When you have your own back, you become braver—more willing to take emotional risks and make choices that lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Rushing Change

Many of us believe in the myth of overnight transformation. We make bold New Year’s resolutions or idolize quick-fix makeovers, expecting instant results. But real growth doesn’t happen that way. True, lasting change unfolds gradually through a process called titration—taking small, manageable steps that honor your body’s and mind’s natural pace. When you slow down and give yourself space to reflect, you build the stability and strength needed for meaningful transformation. Sustainable change is not about speed—it’s about steady, compassionate progress.

Consequences of Self-Sabotaging in Relationships

Even when you start to notice self-sabotaging patterns in your relationships, you might not immediately feel motivated to change them. These behaviors can give you a false sense of control—allowing you to leave relationships whenever things start to feel too close or uncomfortable. However, this short-term relief comes at a long-term cost. By ending relationships to avoid intimacy, you protect yourself temporarily but create emotional barriers that can affect your future happiness and connection. Over time, these habits can lead to lasting consequences such as:

• Lack of deep relationships: You may eventually crave a stable, loving partnership, yet find it difficult to maintain one. Self-sabotaging behaviors make it hard to build or sustain meaningful commitment.
• Loneliness: Without close relationships, feelings of isolation often set in. You may deeply desire connection but feel unable to form or nurture it.
• Missed opportunities for family: While not everyone wants children, those who do might later regret not having built a relationship strong enough to create a family.
• Difficulty with closeness: Ending relationships before they deepen can make it even harder to connect in the future. You may begin to guard yourself, holding back emotionally out of fear of being hurt again—even when you meet someone trustworthy and kind.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships

Breaking free from self-sabotaging patterns starts with honest self-reflection. You need to take a genuine look at your behaviors and how your fear of intimacy may have caused harm—to yourself and others. Without acknowledging these patterns, you’ll continue repeating them. Many people begin this healing journey through therapy, where a trained professional can help uncover the roots of your fears, identify destructive behaviors, and guide you toward healthier ways of relating and connecting.

Work on Your Attachment Style

Attachment theory explains how early life experiences shape the way we connect with others. The healthiest attachment is secure attachment, where individuals can trust others while still maintaining their independence within a close relationship. However, early experiences—especially those involving neglect, inconsistency, or trauma—can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. These insecure attachment styles often cause struggles in adult relationships. The positive news is that you can work toward a secure attachment style. With the help of a therapist, you can face your fears, challenge false beliefs about love, and learn new ways to build trust and safety in relationships.

Take Responsibility

To stop self-sabotaging, you must own your part in relationship difficulties. While no relationship is perfect, refusing to acknowledge your role in unhealthy patterns will keep you stuck. Taking responsibility means being willing to be vulnerable—recognizing your fears of rejection or abandonment and understanding how these fears influence your actions. Accepting accountability allows you to grow and helps build stronger, more authentic connections.

Learn Your Triggers

Self-sabotaging behaviors often surface in response to emotional triggers—words, actions, or situations that awaken old fears or painful memories. Recognizing these triggers is crucial. Once you identify what sets off your fear of closeness or rejection, you can work through them—either by managing your reactions more effectively or addressing the root cause so they no longer have the same power over you.

Let Go

One of the biggest challenges of self-sabotage is living as though the past still defines the present. You may unconsciously react to your current partner as if they were someone from your past who hurt you. Learning to say, “That was then, this is now,” helps you make choices based on your current reality, not past wounds. Letting go allows you to move forward with greater emotional freedom and clarity.

Open Up

A core aspect of overcoming self-sabotage is learning to express your feelings honestly. Many people avoid discussing emotions because they fear being vulnerable or overwhelmed. However, sharing your thoughts, fears, and needs helps you understand yourself better—and allows your partner to support you. Open communication builds trust, deepens emotional intimacy, and reduces the urge to withdraw or hide behind defenses.

Dealing With a Self-Sabotaging Partner

If your partner is the one self-sabotaging the relationship, remember that their behavior is not your fault. Don’t justify or take responsibility for their actions. Instead, focus on reinforcing positive changes, offering encouragement when they make progress, and gently urging them to seek professional support.

Keep in Mind

Self-sabotaging behaviors often develop as protection against past pain. Understanding this helps you approach yourself with compassion instead of blame. Seeking therapy—or even talking with a trusted friend—can be a powerful first step toward healing. Working alongside your partner can also make a difference. Opening up and allowing them to understand this side of you isn’t easy, but vulnerability can help break long-standing cycles of fear and self-sabotage, paving the way for healthier and more secure relationships.

Giving Hope Counselling Services is here to help you reclaim confidence and joy. Our experienced Counselling Psychologists will expertly guide you through proven strategies to regain self-esteem, improve your relationships, and enhance your overall happiness, offering compassionate support, personalized plans, and practical tools to empower lasting change.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254733932470 |+254733932470 to book a counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke for more comprehensive articles on mental health, relationships and Marriages.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist | Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator