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1. SIGNS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY AND HOW TO FIX IT

SIGNS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY AND HOW TO FIX IT

Like most parents, you want the very best for your children—you hope they thrive in school, build positive friendships, and feel secure and loved at home. However, family dysfunction can sometimes stand in the way of these goals. Realizing that your family dynamic may not be healthy can feel discouraging or overwhelming, but experts assure that change is possible when you know the right steps to take. Whether the challenges lie within your immediate household or extend to your wider family, learning to identify the signs of dysfunction and actively working to address them can lead to a healthier, more harmonious home. Here’s what experts suggest for recognizing and improving family dynamics.

Dysfunctional Family

Brett A. Biller, PsyD, a family and child psychology expert and mental health director at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House, Hackensack University Medical Center, explains that there isn’t a single, universally accepted definition of a dysfunctional family. Generally, it refers to a family system where, for various reasons, relationships and interactions lead to unhealthy or problematic functioning. “Families, like clocks or other systems, are interactive units where each member influences the others and the family as a whole,” Dr. Biller notes. He further emphasizes that “family dysfunction in certain areas doesn’t necessarily mean the entire family is dysfunctional.”

In broad terms, a dysfunctional family is one where patterns of interaction prevent members from feeling safe, cared for, or emotionally and physically well. Such families often struggle with closeness, emotional expression, and healthy communication. In severe cases, prolonged dysfunction can contribute to mental health challenges that make it difficult for members to form positive relationships outside the family. Dysfunctional families often lack clear boundaries and structure, leading to strained communication and relationships. According to Biller, factors such as abuse, ongoing parental conflict, chronic illness, or existing mental health conditions can worsen or even trigger family dysfunction.

Signs of Family Dysfunctionality

Here are some common indicators that your family could be experiencing a degree of dysfunction:

• Poor or inconsistent communication
• Frequent conflicts or arguments
• Excessive secrecy or lack of transparency
• Controlling or manipulative behaviors
• Limited emotional support or empathy
• Codependency or unhealthy attachments
• Blaming or scapegoating others
• Favoritism, competition, or obsession with “winning”
• Role reversals between parents and children
• Weak, unclear, or non-existent boundaries
• Uninvolved or neglectful parenting
• Abusive patterns or tendencies
• Substance misuse or addiction issues

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Difference Between a Dysfunctional Family and a Toxic Family

Many people use the terms “dysfunctional” and “toxic” interchangeably, but they are not the same. Dysfunctional families often struggle with poor communication, weak boundaries, and unresolved conflicts—but these challenges don’t always involve harmful or abusive behavior.

Toxic families, on the other hand, consistently engage in destructive behaviors that harm the emotional and psychological well-being of family members. While all toxic families are dysfunctional, not all dysfunctional families are toxic.

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Examples of Family Dysfunction

Sandra Kushnier, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Meridian Counseling, notes that dysfunction can look different in every family—but certain patterns appear frequently.

Parentification: This occurs when children are expected to take on adult roles, offering emotional or practical support that’s beyond their age. In families with substance abuse, for example, children may end up caring for others or managing chaos just to maintain stability.

Conflict-Driven Families: In these households, constant verbal or physical fighting creates an unsafe and unstable environment. Kushnier explains that chronic conflict fosters fear, mistrust, and emotional insecurity among family members.

Enmeshment: Here, parents may become overly involved in their child’s life, discouraging independence and causing guilt or anxiety when the child seeks autonomy.

Bargaining and Lack of Rules: According to Sinclair Davis, PsyD, dean of counseling at St. Benedict’s Preparatory School, some dysfunctional families lack consistent rule enforcement. For example, a parent may try to calm a child’s tantrum or destructive behavior by offering rewards instead of maintaining boundaries—teaching the child that rules can be negotiated rather than respected.

Effects of Family Dysfunctionality on Children

Family dysfunction can affect each member differently, but overall, its impact on children is often deep and long-lasting, says Sandra Kushnier, LMFT.

Difficulty Managing Emotions

Children raised in dysfunctional environments often struggle with emotional regulation because they lack healthy role models. Without guidance on how to handle emotions like anger, fear, or sadness—or therapeutic support to relearn these skills—they may carry these unhealthy emotional patterns into adulthood, repeating the same negative dynamics in their own relationships.

Increased Risk of Mental Health Issues

Kushnier notes that children from dysfunctional families are more likely to develop mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, and even substance use problems. Because they were never taught effective coping or communication skills, they may either overachieve academically to seek approval or struggle in school due to the instability at home.

Long-Term Trauma Effects

According to Brett A. Biller, these children may also show trauma-related behaviors—such as inattentiveness, rule defiance, difficulty following directions, or strained peer relationships—that resemble conditions like ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). However, Dr. Biller emphasizes that family dysfunction doesn’t have to define a family’s future. Once recognized, addressing these unhealthy patterns can lead to healing and lasting well-being for both the family and its individual members.

Tips for healing Your Family Dysfunctionality

Changing a family dynamic begins with recognizing that certain behaviors or patterns are dysfunctional, says Dr. Erin O’Callaghan, senior director of therapy programs and quality at Brightside Health. “Each family member needs to acknowledge their role in contributing to these patterns,” she explains. Once that awareness is established, families can start improving communication, setting clear and healthy boundaries, and fostering accountability. According to O’Callaghan, therapy can be especially helpful—it provides a safe space to explore difficult issues, strengthen emotional connection, and develop effective conflict resolution skills. Through therapy, family members can process individual struggles and replace harmful coping habits with healthier ones.

If dysfunction stems from extended family relationships, setting firm boundaries and communicating openly about problem areas is essential. Doing so not only protects your family’s emotional health but also models for your children how to navigate challenging relationships respectfully.

Here are some of O’Callaghan’s key recommendations for creating a healthier family environment:

Prioritize Mental Health: Seek therapy or counseling to process emotions and manage stress. Professional support can help you build healthy coping mechanisms and learn effective ways to handle difficult family interactions.

Encourage Self-Care: Take time to rest, recharge, and engage in activities that support well-being—such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or quiet reflection. Encourage your children to do the same so they learn that caring for themselves is important.

Model Healthy Coping Skills: Show your children positive ways to respond to stress or conflict within the family. This helps them maintain emotional balance and prevents them from being overwhelmed by dysfunction.

Teach Emotional Regulation: Help your kids develop tools like deep breathing, journaling, or distraction techniques to manage intense emotions during stressful interactions.

Foster Autonomy: Support your children’s interests and confidence so they can set boundaries, say no, or step away from situations that make them uncomfortable. Remind them that protecting their emotional well-being is their right.

Create a Conflict Plan: Since conflict can arise unexpectedly in dysfunctional families, decide in advance how to respond—such as leaving an event or taking a break when tensions rise.

Practice Difficult Conversations: Role-play boundary-setting and conflict situations with your kids so they feel prepared to handle uncomfortable or unsafe scenarios.

Stay Calm and Avoid Escalation: When conflicts occur, maintain composure and avoid being drawn into arguments. If emotions escalate, it’s okay to walk away or end the conversation to protect your peace.

💖 The Path to Healing

Family dysfunction doesn’t define your story — it’s just a chapter. With patience, love, and the right guidance, families can reconnect and grow stronger than before.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our expert Marriage and Family Therapists will walk with you to break unhealthy cycles, rebuild trust, and create a home filled with respect, peace, and love. 🕊️✨ Healing begins when you decide it’s time for change.

Call/WhatsApp us at *+254733932470* |*+254733932470* to book a counselling session. 🌐 Visit www.givinghope.co.ke for more parenting insights and relationship tools.

*Peter Mugi Kuruga*

*Counselling Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*

*Court Annexed Mediator*