---

1. THE BEST WAYS TO RESPOND TO OUR CHILDREN'S TANTRUMS

THE BEST WAYS TO RESPOND TO OUR CHILDREN’S TANTRUMS

What’s really happening when your child has a tantrum—and how should you handle it? My daughter Carys was just two when she faced her first big encounter with gravity’s unfairness. She had carefully stacked wooden blocks into her tallest tower yet, only for it to collapse in an instant. Within moments, she was on the floor, crying so loudly it felt like the windows might rattle. Like many parents, my first thought was, “how do I stop this? But I later realized—that was the wrong question (Jen Lumanlan).

Studies show that tantrums aren’t simply misbehavior; they are powerful attempts at communication. When we learn to see meltdowns through this lens, we can respond in ways that truly support our children—while also making the experience less overwhelming for us.

Understanding Tantrums

Tantrums are a normal part of growing up, and they usually follow a common pattern as children develop. Research shows they happen most often between ages one and two—sometimes as much as more than once an hour. By the time a child reaches age five, tantrums usually become less frequent.

A tantrum can include many behaviors—crying, screaming, yelling, hitting, kicking, falling to the floor, throwing things, stamping feet, or even trying to run away. It starts when the first of these behaviors shows up and ends when the last one stops.

Experts explain that tantrums are usually made up of two main feelings: anger and distress (or sadness). Anger tantrums show up quickly and can involve loud, physical behaviors like screaming or kicking. Distress tantrums build more slowly and often include crying or wanting comfort from a parent.

When Carys fell apart after her block tower crashed, she wasn’t trying to manipulate me or push limits. She was experiencing what experts call “anger-distress”—a rush of big feelings that her young brain couldn’t yet express in words. Though it felt endless at the time, it really wasn’t. Research shows that most tantrums last only about three minutes, and the majority are done within six. Interestingly, how long they last isn’t tied to the child’s mood beforehand or even what caused the outburst. In fact, if a child stamps their feet or drops to the floor within the first 30 seconds, the tantrum usually ends more quickly.

It’s easy to feel like you’re failing as a parent when your child is screaming, kicking, or crying loudly, but these outbursts are completely normal. Studies even show that three- to four-year-olds typically have about one tantrum a day, while children under three often have them even more frequently. The good news is tantrums don’t last forever. While they fade gradually rather than stopping all at once, research confirms they become far less common as children get closer to school age.

WHAT REALLY CAUSES TANTRUMS?

The key to handling tantrums is understanding what’s behind them. They aren’t signs of manipulation or disobedience—they’re your child’s way of showing that something big is happening inside. When we figure out what that “something” is, we can help ease their frustration and, over time, see fewer tantrums.

Struggles with independence and tough tasks.

Research shows tantrums often happen when kids try something that’s just a little beyond their ability. For example, Carys was determined to build her block tower. She had the idea, the drive, and the excitement—but her motor skills weren’t quite there yet. The gap between what she wanted to do and what she could actually do led to an emotional explosion. At the heart of it was her deep need to feel capable and independent.

Frustration with limits and rules.

Studies also show that as toddlers grow, conflicts with authority become a major trigger for tantrums. By around age two, being told “no” often sparks bigger meltdowns than simple daily struggles. So when you say, “Don’t jump on the couch,” and your child bursts into tears, it may seem like an overreaction—but to them, it feels crushingly unfair.

Social Conflicts and Sharing Struggles

Many tantrums happen around sharing—but the truth is, most kids aren’t ready to truly share until around age three and a half to four. Parents often expect it earlier, but for young children, “sharing” feels more like giving away something they really want to hold onto. Since toddlers don’t yet understand time well, the idea of “you’ll get it back later” doesn’t make sense to them. So when asked to hand over a toy, the meltdown isn’t really about the toy itself—it’s about their deeper need for security and a sense of control in a world that feels unpredictable.

Unmet Basic Needs

Tantrums also happen when children’s most basic needs aren’t being met. Sometimes it’s obvious—like when they’re hungry, tired, or overstimulated. In these moments, their ability to cope with frustration is much lower. Other times, the need is less visible but just as important. For example, when your child is eager to share something about their day but you’re distracted and only half-listening, their unmet need for connection can quickly turn into what looks like a random tantrum. In reality, they’re crying out for your full attention and genuine presence.

THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE TANTRUMS

Your reaction during a tantrum matters more than you think. Children “borrow” calm from their parents. If you can stay steady, your child can eventually calm down too.

1. Stay Calm Yourself

When your child is melting down, it’s easy to feel angry or frustrated. Instead of reacting right away, take a few deep breaths—try breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 4, and slowly breathing out for 6. Remind yourself: “This isn’t personal—my child is overwhelmed, not misbehaving on purpose.”

This doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior, but it helps you guide your child with patience instead of anger.

2. Know the Phases of a Tantrum

Teaching kids about feelings starts before a tantrum. When you’re reading a story or watching a show, talk about how the characters might feel. Use a list of feelings and ask your child which one matches their mood in calm moments.

During a tantrum, children usually go through two phases:

• Anger Phase: Loud screaming, kicking, hitting, or arching their body. In this phase, they usually don’t want hugs or comfort.
• Distress Phase: Signs of anger start to fade—screaming slows down, their body relaxes, and crying replaces yelling. This is when they’re ready for comfort and need your connection most.

3. Don’t Punish, Don’t Give In

Avoid saying things like “You’re fine” or “Stop crying”—these make kids feel misunderstood.
Don’t give in just to stop the tantrum, but also don’t punish them in the heat of the moment. Remember: tantrums aren’t planned; they happen because your child feels overwhelmed.

Most importantly, don’t take it personally. Meeting their big emotions with your big emotions only makes things worse.

4. Validate Their Feelings Afterward

The real teaching happens once your child is calm again. Then you can talk through what happened:

• Be present: Put away distractions and focus fully on your child.
• Reflect back: “I hear that you felt really angry when it was time to leave the playground. Is that right?”
• Give context: “It makes sense to feel upset—you were having so much fun.”
• Equalize: “Transitions are tough for everyone, even adults.”
• Show empathy: “That sounds really disappointing.”
• Plan for next time: “Maybe I could give you a five-minute warning before we leave, so you’re ready.”

This approach doesn’t mean letting kids do whatever they want. It means respecting their feelings while still keeping boundaries.

5. Build Support Over Time

As your child grows, ask what helps them most: “Do you like me to sit near you when you’re upset, or do you need some space?” Small conversations like this teach kids to understand their own needs.

6. Stay Curious

Instead of thinking, “How do I stop this?” ask, “What is my child trying to tell me?” Behind every tantrum is a message about what they’re feeling or needing. When you respond with curiosity and care, you teach your child that emotions are safe, that you can handle their big feelings, and that there are better ways to communicate when life feels overwhelming. These lessons will help them not just in childhood—but in every relationship and challenge they face later in life.

Adapted from Greater Good Magazine

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator