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1. WHAT TO NEVER SAY AND WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE GRIEVING A LOSS

WHAT TO NEVER SAY AND WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE GRIEVING A LOSS

We’ve all experienced it—standing before someone grieving the loss of a loved one, wanting desperately to say the right thing, yet feeling unsure of what to say. Our desire is to be present for them and somehow ease their pain, but our words don’t always have the impact we intend. Studies reveal that the death of a loved one is the most stressful life event, ranking highest among life’s toughest challenges. Grief is often complicated and deeply painful, and while trying to console someone in the midst of it, we may unintentionally add to their hurt. According to Rebecca Feinglos, “When we say something unhelpful, it’s often because we’re trying to soothe our own discomfort with another person’s pain. But grief is not supposed to feel comfortable—neither for the person living through it nor for those witnessing it.”

What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Below are common phrases that may unintentionally hurt rather than help when someone is mourning:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

While it may seem like an attempt to bring meaning to the loss, it can come across as dismissive. Not all pain has an explanation, and no reason can truly make the loss of a loved one feel acceptable.

“It was God’s will.”

Even if said kindly, this can feel invalidating—especially if the grieving person is wrestling with their faith or struggling to understand the loss. Aimee Daramus, PsyD, advises avoiding statements based on personal beliefs about death unless you know the mourner shares those beliefs.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

Grief is unique to each individual, even if you’ve faced a similar loss. Rebecca Feinglos cautions against drawing comparisons, as each person’s experience is their own.

“At least you had time to prepare.”

Often said after a prolonged illness, this suggests the pain should be lessened, but anticipation doesn’t necessarily soften the blow of loss.

“They’re in a better place.”

This may align with your spiritual perspective, but it might not match theirs—and even if it does, the immediate longing is often for the person to be here, not elsewhere.

“They lived a long life.”

Longevity doesn’t diminish grief. Loss hurts regardless of age.

“At least you have [other children/family members].”

This implies one loved one can replace another, minimizing the importance of the person who died.

“Be strong.”

This can pressure the grieving person to suppress emotions, when they may need permission to openly express their pain.

“You need to move on.”

Grief has no set timetable. Such a statement can feel like a demand to forget the deceased or replace them, when in reality, loss becomes part of one’s life rather than something left behind.

“Just focus on the good memories.”

While cherished memories can eventually bring comfort, in the early stages of grief, they may intensify the ache of absence rather than ease it.

Why Avoiding the Wrong Words Matters

When someone is grieving, they are in a deeply vulnerable state. Their emotions are raw, their sense of stability is shaken, and your words can either offer solace or unintentionally add to their pain. “Grief is already an unbearable burden,” says Rebecca Feinglos, grief support specialist. “The last thing a grieving person needs is to feel as though they’re handling it the wrong way.” Feinglos explains that well-intentioned phrases like “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least they’re not suffering anymore,” or “You need to stay strong” can send the message that grief should be quickly resolved or neatly packaged. This can make the mourner feel rushed or pressured to move on before they’re ready. People often remember how others responded during their loss—whether they offered genuine support or not. A thoughtless remark can become another wound to carry, while a few sincere, compassionate words or gestures can offer lasting comfort.

How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Experts agree that the most valuable gift you can give to someone in mourning is not advice or explanations, but your presence. Simply being there—sitting with them, listening without trying to fix their pain—can be far more comforting than any words, says Rebecca Feinglos.

Keep your words simple and sincere. According to Feinglos, honest statements like “This is so hard,” “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” can mean a great deal. You don’t have to offer deep wisdom—just authenticity.

Consider their perspective. Dr. Aimee Daramus suggests imagining yourself in their situation and thinking about what would bring them comfort, rather than what would make you feel better in the same moment.

Avoid speaking just to fill the silence. Dr. Daramus cautions against offering insincere compliments or “polite lies” about the person who has passed. If you didn’t know them or have nothing genuine to share, focus instead on asking how you can help. And as Feinglos notes, if you realize you’ve said something hurtful, it’s never too late to acknowledge it and make amends. If you realize something you said wasn’t helpful, it’s never too late to revisit the conversation. You might say, “I’ve been thinking about what I said earlier, and I realize it may not have been what you needed to hear.”

Respect their grieving style. Dr. Aimee Daramus notes that people mourn in different ways—some cry openly, others remain quiet or immerse themselves in activity. There’s no single “right” way to grieve, so avoid judging how someone chooses to cope.

Follow their lead. Grief can look different from one day to the next. As Rebecca Feinglos explains, some days they may want to talk about their loss, while on others they may prefer a distraction. Your role is to meet them where they are emotionally in that moment.

Offer practical help. Everyday responsibilities can feel overwhelming during grief. Dr. Daramus suggests stepping in to help with tasks or errands.

Acknowledge significant dates. Feinglos points out that anniversaries—whether of a diagnosis, a passing, a birthday, or an anniversary—can be especially painful, sometimes more so than the day itself. A simple message like, “Thinking of you today,” can bring comfort when others may have moved on.

Stay in touch over time. Often, support fades after the initial days or weeks, yet grief may deepen as the chaos settles. Feinglos encourages checking in consistently, even months later, as healing has no fixed schedule.

 

Be patient. Grief is a process, not a timed event. Pressuring someone to “move on” can be harmful. Instead, offer understanding and allow them the time they need. Ultimately, the goal isn’t to take away their grief—it’s to help them feel less alone as they learn to live with it.

At *Giving Hope Counselling Services*, our compassionate and highly trained Marriage and Family Therapists are dedicated to walking with you through the pain of loss, offering professional guidance, emotional support, and practical tools to help you cope, heal, and rebuild. We understand that grief is deeply personal and has no set timeline, and we are committed to providing a safe, understanding space where you can process your emotions at your own pace. With our expertise and care, we will stand beside you every step of the way until you find strength, peace, and a renewed sense of hope for the future.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist