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1. DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN WHILE SUPPORTING THEIR SELF-ESTEEM

DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN WHILE SUPPORTING THEIR SELF-ESTEEM

As parents, our deep love for our children can make it seem natural to assume they’ll develop self-love too. After all, building confidence and being at ease with oneself are important life goals. However, when fostering these traits becomes a top parenting priority, it can be tempting to overlook difficult behavior out of concern for harming your child's self-esteem. The good news is, you don't have to choose between discipline and emotional support—there’s a balanced approach that allows you to correct behavior while still nurturing your child's confidence.

Why Does My Child React So Strongly When I Correct Their Behavior?

Unlike adults, who can separate a poor choice from their overall self-worth, children tend to see things in extremes. When you point out something they’ve done wrong, they may feel like they themselves are entirely bad. Some children may be especially sensitive to feedback or struggle with low self-esteem. And although it’s common advice to correct the behavior—not the child—many kids can’t clearly distinguish between the two.

Dr. Kennedy-Moore, an internationally published author and psychologist, says that. as explained in her book *Kid Confidence*, it’s important for kids to learn from their mistakes, and you can still hold them accountable without making them feel like they’re bad people. One of our key roles as parents is to guide them in understanding how relationships work—how their actions affect others, and which behaviors are acceptable. Feeling guilt when they’ve done something wrong is a natural and healthy part of moral growth. It helps them build an inner compass that says, “I messed up,” and encourages them to make things right. This kind of guilt is very different from shame or feeling unworthy.

How to Use Gentle Discipline

To help children build healthy internal guidance, a gentle and effective method is a three-step process known as "soft criticism." This approach is not only helpful with kids but also works well in adult relationships.

Step 1: Give them the benefit of the doubt

Begin by acknowledging their good intentions, even if the outcome wasn't ideal. Say something like, “I know you didn’t mean to,” or “You probably didn’t realize,” or “I understand you were trying to…” This reassures them that you still see them as a good person who made a mistake—not a bad one.

 

Step 2: Clearly explain what went wrong and how it impacted others

Use clear, non-shaming language like, “When you took your brother’s toy, it made him upset.” Avoid broad or judgmental statements such as, “You always act this way,” or “You don’t care about others,” which only undermine their self-worth without improving behavior.

Step 3: Focus on moving forward

Since the mistake can’t be undone, help your child think of ways to make things right. Ask, “What could you do to help your brother feel better?” Offer suggestions if needed—like saying sorry, offering comfort, sharing, tidying up, or doing a helpful chore. And when your child takes steps to repair the situation, be sure to acknowledge it with sincere appreciation. This reinforces positive behavior and builds emotional growth.

How Can I Help My Child Come Up with Solutions to Make Things Better?

When your child regularly struggles with a certain situation, it can be really helpful to sit down and talk it through together. Describe the problem in a way that includes both your child’s perspective and the other person's. Then invite your child to come up with ideas for solving it. This approach encourages them to grow in empathy and problem-solving. Seeing both sides of a situation helps shift their thinking from “what I want” to also considering how others feel. At first, their ideas may be unrealistic—like saying, “My sister should just leave!”—but you can gently respond with, “That’s one idea, but it doesn’t really solve the whole problem. What else might work?” By involving your child in brainstorming and refining solutions, you're helping them build confidence and critical thinking skills. And when one of their ideas works out, you can reinforce it with praise like, “That was a great solution—you figured it out!”

Should I Be Concerned If My Child Seems to Have Low Self-Esteem?

It’s heartbreaking for any parent to hear their child say negative things about themselves, and the instinct is often to rush in and reassure them of how special they are. While it seems reasonable to think that feeling good about themselves leads to happiness, research tells a more complex story. Studies have shown that high self-esteem alone doesn’t predict better grades, stronger relationships, or even greater happiness—and excessive praise can actually have the opposite effect. In fact, the more you try to convince your child how great they are, the more they may push back or feel anxious about meeting those expectations (Baumeister et al., 2003). One well-known study found that children who received direct instruction in academics ended up with more confidence than those who took part in a self-esteem boosting program. Why? Because developing real skills builds genuine self-belief (Henderson, 2002).

Instead of trying to persuade children they’re amazing, our goal should be to help them build true competence and healthy relationships—foundations that naturally foster self-confidence. That said, low self-esteem is still a concern, as it can lead to anxiety, depression, avoidance of challenges, or extreme perfectionism (Trzesniewski et al., 2006). Rather than focusing on helping children “feel better” about themselves, it’s more helpful to guide them away from harsh self-judgment. Today’s world places a lot of pressure on image and performance, but real confidence comes from moving beyond the constant question, “Am I good enough?” Help your child stay grounded in meaningful experiences—whether it’s friendships, learning something new, or making a difference—to develop lasting self-worth.

Does Success Help Boost a Child’s Confidence?

Surprisingly, not always. Some kids tend to downplay their achievements, criticizing themselves or insisting they didn’t do well enough. Research even shows that children with low self-esteem can feel more anxious after succeeding than failing—they may fear they won’t be able to repeat the success or worry about increased expectations from others (Wood et al., 2005). One powerful way to support your child’s confidence is by being what’s called a “biased biographer.” This means reminding them of moments when they faced a challenge but eventually overcame it. For example, you might say, “I remember when you were learning to ride your bike—you kept falling, but you didn’t give up. Now look at you riding all over the neighborhood!” Highlight specific growth: “You couldn’t do this before, and now you can.” These kinds of stories help your child see their progress and build a deeper sense of competence.

What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Cooperate?

Dr. Kennedy-Moore advises that we start by checking whether our expectations are realistic. It’s easy to assume your child *should* be able to follow certain instructions, but it’s more helpful to work with the child you actually have, not the one you imagine. For example, if you tell them to go get ready for bed and 30 minutes later, they’ve only managed to take off one sock, it’s a sign that your current strategy isn’t working—and it’s time to try a different one. It really doesn’t matter if other kids their age can do it on their own, or even if a younger sibling can. Realistic expectations are based on what your child is typically capable of doing now—or just slightly beyond that.

How Can I Encourage My Child to Behave Well?

Here are some effective ways to motivate your child toward positive behavior:

Let them know they *can* succeed in making you proud—kids need to believe their efforts matter.

Acknowledge and praise their efforts and improvement, not just the end result.

Avoid dwelling on past mistakes. Kids grow and change quickly, so what they did weeks ago doesn't define who they are today.

Talk to them about the kind of person they’re becoming. For example: “You and your brother figured out how to share the back seat—you're learning how to compromise,” or “You helped the new student with the computer—you’re becoming someone who notices when others need help and takes action.” This kind of encouragement builds identity, not just compliance.

The power of using “becoming” language lies in the message it sends: “It’s okay if you’ve made mistakes before, and it’s okay if you make more in the future—what matters is that right now, I see growth and potential in you.” That kind of encouragement is one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer a child.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator

References

Kennedy-Moore, E. (2019). Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-esteem. New Harbinger Publications.

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological science in the public interest, 4(1), 1-44.

Henderson, J. (2002). The effects of self-esteem instruction for children with disabilities.

Trzesniewski, K. H., Donnellan, M. B., Moffitt, T. E., Robins, R. W., Poulton, R., & Caspi, A. (2006). Low self-esteem during adolescence predicts poor health, criminal behavior, and limited economic prospects during adulthood. Developmental psychology, 42(2), 381.

Wood, J. V., Heimpel, S. A., Newby-Clark, I. R., & Ross, M. (2005). Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory: self-esteem differences in the experience and anticipation of success. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(5), 764.