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1. DON’T DEMAND FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR SPOUSE, REQUEST FOR IT

We are tempted to demand forgiveness from our spouses when they don’t seem willing to give it although we been nicely asking for it, and we now expect it. You have the feeling that it was time you put it all behind you so that you can now move on with your lives. But unfortunately, demanding forgiveness may just add fuel to a fire that is already burning and even build resentment. This tends to complicate the situation even further.

Kevin B. Bullard in his article “Half baked apologies are offensive” observes as follows”

“When we offend our spouse by our words, actions, or attitude; it’s common to want to take the easy way out by offering a simple, ‘Sorry’ or ‘I apologize.’ However, just saying these words without proper context is as hurtful as our first offense. It’s more effective and meaningful if we extend the ‘apology’ by admitting our wrong, acknowledging our spouse’s hurt, intending not to do it again and asking for forgiveness.”

To understand this matter better, we further note what Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas say in their book “The Five Languages of Apology”. This is what they write:

“There’s a vast difference between requesting forgiveness and demanding forgiveness. In our research, we continually encountered individuals who expected, yes, even demanded that the offended party forget the offense and move on”.

Therefore, we shouldn’t demand forgiveness and neither expect it. If we demand forgiveness, we will have failed to understand the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is simply a CHOICE we take in lifting the penalty and letting the person who wronged us back into our lives. We choose to pardon the offense so as to redevelop trust. By forgiving, we are confirming that we care about our relationship. We have chosen to accept their apology and to no longer seek justice. Forgiveness is essentially a gift and cannot therefore be demanded because if demanded, it would cease to be a gift.

The Gift of Forgiveness

If you are the offender and you are demanding to be forgiven, you can be equated to a King on a throne sitting in judgment of an offended person and finding them guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt and angry over your offense, but you are trying to make them feel guilty for not forgiving you. But on the other hand, if you went to the offended party and said “Will you forgive me?” In this case, you would be bowing to their throne and requesting to be forgiven of your offense. If they agree to forgive you, you would be a recipient of their mercy, love and grace. Forgiveness will always be requested for but is never to be demanded.

Let us understand that when we seek to be forgiven, we are making a big request that is very costly to the offended person. If they forgive us, they forsake their desire for justice. They abandon their hurt, anger, humiliation and feeling of embarrassment. They also surrender their feelings of betrayal and rejection and at times must live with the consequences of the wrong behaviour.

The physical consequences of the wrong behaviour will at times be sexually transmitted diseases, a child born out of wedlock or an abortion. Emotional consequences could be images of your spouse holding the other lover, or abusive words that keep playing over and over again in your mind. The offended person must live with all this and much more. What you are asking of him or her is therefore not a small thing. As the Chinese proverb therefore says, ‘When you bow, bow low.'”.

Speaking the Apology Language

When we don’t request forgiveness but instead make statements like, I'm sorry, I was wrong, I will make it up to you or I will never do it again’ will feel like insincere and shallow remarks meant to put the matter behind you without sincerely dealing with it.

You must therefore learn the offended party’s sincere apology language so that she feels its genuine.

The writer Gary Chapman in his book, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” writes as follows:

'When couples have learnt to apologise meaningfully to the other partner, forgiveness becomes easier. When you want to apologise, most people just want to know is “Are you sincere?” Therefore, they consider your sincerity to be when you are speaking to them in a language they feel offers a genuine apology.’

The book, The Five Languages of Apology lists the following statements to help us learn the apology language of forgiveness:

• “‘I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.’

• “‘I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.’

• “‘I didn’t intend to hurt you but obviously I have. I realize that now, and I see that my actions were wrong even though I was just trying to have fun. It’s never right to have fun if someone gets hurt. I promise you I will try to never do that again. And I want to ask you if you will please forgive me.'”

Again, Don’t Demand Forgiveness

Its therefore important that we do NOT demand forgiveness from the person that we offended, as this tends to complicate the matter even more. Instead, we must try to understand their “language of apology” so that we can apologise in a way they understand us to be truly sincere and that we don’t want to hurt them again. Instead, we want to assist them in healing from the hurt we caused in whatever way possible. This will most often demand a lot of humility from us.

To accomplish the acceptance of your apology may require applying the three 3 P’s – Prayer, Perseverance and Patience. While we may want things to go more quickly and move on from the hurtful situation so that we can put it behind us, it at times may not be possible to resolve things that fast. At times, this road to forgiveness is on a long and winding road that has many ups and downs and twists and turns. This is a price that we have to pay before we get to the place of resolving the hurts that we caused. Even if we might want to wish the issue away, this is often not the reality of living in this world full of iniquities.

We therefore need to pray, persevere and be patient and do this as many times as needed. Its eventually worth all the effort you put into it when you eventually have peace in your marriage.

Cindy and Steve Wright in their article “Don’t demand forgiveness” say that “With forgiveness, you have to hit the right spot because at times the contents of forgiveness will be realized slowly. This is particularly so when someone hurts you, for you have to pray and keep praying. Since you are two parties, one has to forgive and keep forgiving while the other asks for forgiveness and keeps asking. You have to love and keep loving.”

Jesus said,

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, find. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8).”

You have to remember that when you hurt your spouse, you have a responsibility to do whatever it takes to help them go through the pain of releasing all the injustice that you caused. This will at times call for you to give more explanations than you considered necessary and even apologise in ways that look excessive and unnecessary to you. But its important, as need to help them heal from the pain you caused. I pray that you will do whatever it takes to make this happen.

Are you struggling with unresolved conflicts in your marriage? At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we understand that healing takes time and that true forgiveness cannot be demanded—it must be nurtured through sincerity, patience, and love. Whether you are seeking to mend a broken relationship or rebuild trust, our expert therapists will walk with you through the process, guiding you in meaningful communication, heartfelt apologies, and true reconciliation. Let us help you restore peace, strengthen your bond, and move forward together. Because every relationship deserves hope.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

References

Chapman, G., Thomas, J. (2022). The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. United States: Moody Publishers.

Kevin B. Bullard. “Half baked apologies are offensive”