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1. RECOGNISING MISUSE AND PREVENTING SOMEONE FROM USING YOU

RECOGNISING MISUSE AND PREVENTING SOMEONE FROM USING YOU

Have you ever sensed that someone might be taking advantage of you for their own gain? Or that they seem more interested in what you can do for them than in you as a person? If so, you might be experiencing a situation where you're being used. Being used involves someone exploiting or manipulating you to serve their own interests. According to Meghan Marcum, PsyD, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare, when people say they feel “used,” they often mean they believe their boundaries have been crossed or they've been exploited in some way. “Sometimes, the person being used doesn’t notice the pattern right away,” Marcum explains. “Other times, they quickly realize they’re being manipulated for someone else’s benefit.”

Signs You Might Be Getting Used

Recognizing when you're being taken advantage of can be tricky. Sometimes the signs are obvious, but other times they can be quite subtle and easy to overlook. While each situation is unique, psychologist Meghan Marcum outlines several common red flags that someone may be using you:

• They frequently ask for money, favors, or other resources—for example, requesting financial help or expecting you to cover their expenses.
• They disregard your time and preferences, perhaps showing up uninvited or demanding to borrow your belongings, like your car, on short notice.
• They rely on you to meet their needs but don't offer to meet yours—for instance, always expecting you to pay when you go out together.
• Once their needs are met, they lose interest in you, showing little desire to connect beyond what benefits them.
• Their affection or intimacy seems conditional—they’re warm and loving only when they want something.
• They’re absent when you need support—even if they regularly ask you for help, they’re unwilling to return the favor.
• The dynamic feels unbalanced—you're constantly giving, but they rarely give back.

The signs can look different depending on the relationship. A friend might only reach out when it suits them or expect emotional support without offering the same in return. In romantic relationships, it could look like someone being emotionally unavailable or only pursuing a physical connection, while ignoring your deeper needs.

Common Manipulative Tactics

People who are using you may also resort to psychological manipulation or even emotional abuse to control your actions and hide their true intentions. Some of the tactics they might use include:

 

• Gaslighting: They distort reality or deny things you know to be true, causing you to question your memory, judgment, or sanity.
• Love bombing: They overwhelm you with affection, compliments, and attention as a way to gain control or influence you.
• Future faking: A more intense form of love bombing, where they make grand promises about the future that they never intend to keep.
• Passive aggression: Instead of expressing negative feelings directly, they use subtle digs or indirect actions to manipulate your emotions and decisions.
• Criticism: They may constantly point out your flaws or belittle you to lower your self-esteem and make you more dependent on them.
• Isolation: They try to distance you from your friends and family, increasing their control over your environment and relationships.
• DARVO: This stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. In this tactic, they deny any wrongdoing, lash out at you, and then claim to be the victim, turning the situation around to make you feel like the one at fault.

 

Why People Take Advantage of Others

 

Being used by someone—whether through manipulation or exploitation—is deeply hurtful. Understanding the motivations behind this behavior can sometimes provide clarity and help with healing. Here are some common reasons people use others:

• Selfishness: They’re focused on their own desires and are willing to hurt others to get what they want.
• Greed: They may exploit people financially for personal gain.
• Revenge: If they’ve been used in the past, they might use others to get even.
• Sexual exploitation: Some people use others purely for physical gratification.
• Need for control: Manipulating others gives them a sense of dominance or power.
• Insecurity: Individuals with low self-esteem may use others to feel more important or validated.
• Lack of empathy: When someone doesn’t understand or care how their actions affect others, they’re more likely to manipulate without guilt.
• Transactional mindset: People who view relationships as a means to an end often focus on what they can gain, rather than on mutual care or respect.

 

In some cases, this kind of behavior may be linked to underlying mental health issues, such as narcissistic personality disorder or substance abuse problems.

 

The Impact of Being Used by Someone

 

Being taken advantage of is deeply hurtful and can leave lasting emotional scars. It can damage your self-esteem, strain your current relationships, and make it harder to trust others in the future. Psychologist Meghan Marcum outlines several ways this experience can affect you:

• Emotional and Mental Health Effects

When someone uses you—especially if it's a recurring pattern or has happened in past relationships—it can seriously affect your mental health. You might begin to experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, or even emotional trauma. Over time, this can make it difficult to open up or feel safe in new relationships.

• Relationship Consequences

According to Marcum, being used is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. It often means one person is doing all the giving, while the other only takes. This creates an imbalance of power and disrupts the mutual support, trust, and emotional safety that are essential for a healthy connection.

 

How to Protect Yourself from Being Used

 

To reduce the chances of being taken advantage of, Meghan Marcum suggests taking the following steps:

• Establish clear boundaries: Learn to recognize when your personal limits are being crossed and practice setting firm, healthy boundaries to safeguard your emotional well-being.
• Build your self-worth: Strengthening your self-esteem and developing self-compassion can help you recognize your value and reduce the likelihood of tolerating mistreatment in relationships.
• Reach out for support: Talking to a therapist, mentor, or trusted advisor can provide valuable insight and encouragement as you work on setting and maintaining healthy relationship patterns.

Anytime you are uncomfortable in any relationships and you need support, remember Giving Home Counselling services are always available for you. We listen to you and travel the journey of setting boundaries and regaining confidence with you, guiding you through all the pitfalls of your relationships.

 

Call/WhatsApp us at +253721240462 /+254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book a counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website for more articles on relationships, marriages, families, emotional, psychological and ther mental health issues.

 

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Dip. In Counselling, B. Com., MA in Counselling, Phd