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1. THE RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS WE NEED TO BE AWARE OF

THE RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS WE NEED TO BE AWARE OF

Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, explains that red flags are indicators that someone may not be capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, and continuing with them could lead to emotional harm. It's important to recognize that red flags aren't always immediately apparent—some are obvious, but others may show up as subtle signs or hints of deeper issues, and they may only become noticeable over time.

Relationship Red Flags vs. Yellow Flags

It's essential to distinguish between red flags and yellow flags in relationships. Red flags are serious warning signs that typically signal it's best to end or distance yourself from the relationship. In contrast, yellow flags are less severe and suggest you should proceed with caution and take things slowly. Yellow flags often depend on your individual preferences and relationship expectations, while red flags tend to be more universally concerning. As Dr. Wendy Walsh explains, “A yellow flag could be something like struggles with emotional communication, especially if the person is aware of it and actively working to improve. A red flag, on the other hand, would be more serious issues like a past involving domestic violence, repeated infidelity, or substance addiction.”

If your partner shows any of the following red flags, it’s important to reflect on the relationship and have an honest discussion—both with yourself and with them—about where things are headed. While every situation is unique and may involve some complexity, a red flag usually points to a serious issue that the other person needs to confront in order to maintain a healthy relationship with you, themselves, or anyone else.

Alcoholism & Drug Addiction

Amber Trueblood, LMFT, explains that drinking every day or frequently to the point of intoxication can signal a serious drinking issue. Likewise, depending on drugs to manage everyday stress or emotions is a major concern. When alcohol or drug use negatively affects your partner’s job, health, or relationships, it’s a strong indication of addiction. If they need substances just to get through daily life or challenging situations, it suggests they haven’t yet developed healthy coping strategies without altering their state of mind. Most critically, if their substance use ever results in emotional or physical harm to you, that’s a definite sign to leave the relationship.

Violent Displays

 

If someone shows violent behavior—whether toward you, family members, strangers, or even animals—it’s a major red flag. This kind of behavior suggests they haven’t learned to manage their emotions in a healthy way and, in some cases, may also point to a lack of empathy for others.

Mismatched Relationship Goals

According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, differing relationship goals can signal that it may be time to reconsider the future of the relationship. While this may not reflect a personal flaw, it is a red flag when it comes to long-term compatibility. For example, if your partner clearly states they never want to get married and that's something you deeply value, take their words seriously. Other common areas of misalignment include decisions about where to live, having children, and managing finances.

Persistent Jealousy and Distrust

Amber Trueblood points out that ongoing jealousy and lack of trust are significant red flags. Insecure partners may initially seem overly attentive or excessively generous, but this behavior can mask deeper issues of control. As the relationship progresses, what once appeared as thoughtful attention often reveals itself as a sign of deep insecurity and a need to dominate or monitor the relationship.

History of Infidelity

Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If your partner has a past involving infidelity, it's wise to move forward carefully. Even if they've shown signs of growth or change, it's essential to reflect on whether you feel truly at ease continuing the relationship, knowing their history. While some individuals may be untroubled by a partner's past mistakes, others may find it difficult to fully rebuild trust—and that’s an important factor to acknowledge.

Controlling Behavior

A partner who tries to control aspects of your life is often dealing with unresolved personal issues that need attention. If your partner attempts to dictate who you spend time with, what you say or do online, how you spend your money, what you wear, how you look, or even what you eat, it's a serious concern. Such behavior is a strong sign to reevaluate the relationship.

Stories of “Crazy Exes”

It's normal for past relationships to come up when you're getting to know someone, but it's important to notice how your partner talks about their exes. If they consistently label former partners as “crazy” without acknowledging their own role in past conflicts, it can be a red flag. This kind of blame-shifting shows a lack of accountability and respect for people they once cared about. As Amber Trueblood, LMFT, warns, if someone refuses to take ownership for past relationship issues, there's a real possibility you could be cast as their next “crazy ex.”

No Friends

If your partner has difficulty forming or maintaining friendships, it might signal challenges in connecting with them as well. It’s important to explore why they have trouble building relationships. If you find that they avoid taking responsibility, shift blame, or lack the effort to form bonds, you may face similar patterns in your own relationship with them.

They Give You All Their Time

This red flag is often linked to the previous one. When a partner lacks other relationships, hobbies, or personal goals, it can create an unhealthy and unbalanced dynamic in the relationship. Having a strong sense of self is important for both partners, as it enhances individual growth and strengthens the bond between them. If someone depends on you solely for their happiness and entertainment, it can result in feelings of suffocation, resentment, and dissatisfaction.

Lack of Emotional Intimacy

One of the most rewarding aspects of a romantic relationship is forming a deep and genuine connection with another person. While emotional intimacy can be difficult for some, it should always be a key goal. A partner who is unwilling to open up and build that bond can ultimately lead to the downfall of the relationship.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone says or does things that cause you to doubt your own perception of reality. They may lie, claim you’re forgetful, twist past events, accuse you of overreacting, and use other tactics to make you feel mentally unstable. The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to gain control over you through emotional manipulation.

Love Bombing

Individuals with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders, among others, often engage in love bombing—using excessive praise and affection to manipulate someone into quickly gaining or restoring their trust.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing refers to when someone gives you small bits of attention or encouragement—just enough to keep you invested in the relationship. When you approach them, they pull away, but if you start to distance yourself, they’ll increase their efforts to keep you interested. A person who is breadcrumbing isn’t genuinely interested in commitment.

Keep in Mind

This list of red flags isn’t complete—there are certainly other signs to be aware of. Ultimately, it’s crucial to trust your instincts and distance yourself from a partner who displays one or more warning signs. In some situations, it may be worth attempting to repair the relationship. However, if your partner shows no willingness to change, it’s likely best to walk away. If you're unsure about what steps to take, consulting with a therapist can provide valuable guidance.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Dip. In Counselling (MFT), B. Com., MA. in Counselling, PhD (MFT).