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1. WAYS FOR NURTURING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

WAYS FOR NURTURING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Emotional intimacy is essential for a strong and healthy marriage. When it’s missing, the relationship can begin to deteriorate. While it takes consistent effort and care to maintain, preserving emotional closeness is often much easier than trying to rebuild it after it has faded (Yoo H. et al., 2013). Emotional intimacy is often described as a deep connection where both partners feel safe, loved, and supported, with open trust and communication. When you share this kind of closeness with your spouse, it can feel like you truly understand their inner world—their dreams, fears, and desires. Building and maintaining strong emotional bonds in marriage is both valuable and rewarding. Investing in emotional intimacy shows a dedication to nurturing a lasting, fulfilling, and joyful relationship (Yoo H. et al., 2013).

What Emotional Intimacy Looks Like

Wayne Parker, an author and Life Coach says emotional intimacy shows up in various ways within a relationship which includes having deep, meaningful conversations about your dreams, fears, goals, and emotions. It’s also seen when couples talk about their day, especially work-related experiences, while offering each other support and a sense of emotional safety. It involves intentionally spending quality time together doing activities you both enjoy, showing genuine interest in each other’s thoughts, experiences, and feelings, and being open to new experiences your partner suggests—even if they’re outside your comfort zone, like trying a new restaurant or attending a concert. Most importantly, emotional intimacy is about offering empathy, validating each other's emotions, and being a consistent source of emotional support.

What Is a Lack of Emotional Intimacy?

Many couples fail to notice when emotional intimacy is fading. One partner may be caught off guard if the other decides to leave the marriage. In hindsight, they might remember moments of emotional distance that were overlooked. Wayne Parker continues to say that the signs for lack of emotional intimacy may include:

* Lack of support

* Feeling lonely despite being in the relationship

* Not sharing important thoughts or experiences

* Feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner

* Holding back out of fear of rejection

* Withdrawing or distancing yourself from your spouse

* Decreased physical affection

* Difficulty empathizing with each other

* More frequent conflicts and arguments

A lack of emotional intimacy can also lead to reduced sexual connection and lower overall satisfaction in the marriage. Studies show that couples with strong emotional intimacy tend to feel more fulfilled and happier in their relationships (Wade & Mogilski 2018). In some cases, emotional intimacy was never fully developed, or it may fade over time. Ideally, both partners should commit to building and maintaining this closeness. Recognizing your own role in fostering emotional connection and being emotionally available is key (Kardan S. M. et al., 2015). Relationships missing emotional intimacy often struggle with broken trust, poor communication, secrecy, and unspoken emotions.

How to Increase Emotional Intimacy

If your marriage feels emotionally distant, there are several practical steps you and your partner can take to rebuild and deepen your connection. Wayne Parker suggests eight ways that a couple may use to increase intimacy in their marriages as detailed below:

Silence the Electronics

True emotional closeness thrives on quality, face-to-face interaction. While texting and emailing are helpful for handling logistics and staying connected during busy days, they can’t replace meaningful in-person communication. Research shows that frequent interruptions from technology—what some experts call “technoference”—can increase conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, contribute to depressive symptoms, and reduce overall life satisfaction (McDaniel & Coyne, 2016).

To reduce these effects:

* Turn off TVs, computers, phones, and tablets when spending time together.

* Prioritize eye contact, conversation, and shared moments.

* Make meals device-free to foster connection.

* Try keeping phones in a basket near the door when arriving home and agree to keep them off for an hour or two to focus on each other.

Small, consistent efforts like these can help restore emotional intimacy and strengthen your relationship over time.

Be Emotionally Available

Over time, couples come to understand what can emotionally wound each other. Loving and considerate partners make a conscious effort to avoid causing harm, creating an environment where their spouse feels secure, valued, and cherished. When the relationship feels emotionally safe, intimacy can naturally flourish. However, some individuals carry emotional baggage from past hurts, unhealthy relationship patterns, or experiences of rejection. If you tend to criticize, belittle, or emotionally lash out at those close to you, these behaviors can damage trust and intimacy, ultimately building barriers in your marriage (Wade T. J & Mogilski J., 2018).

Spend More Time Together

Finding quality time as a couple can be challenging, especially when raising children. Still, intentionally carving out moments together is vital for nurturing emotional intimacy. For instance, setting aside a regular weekend coffee time can create a relaxed space for meaningful conversation. Try dedicating 30 minutes each evening to uninterrupted time after the kids are asleep. Use this time to tackle tasks like tidying up or planning the week together—getting things done while strengthening your bond. A 2021 study found that couples who spend more time talking and connecting tend to feel closer, more positive about each other, and more satisfied in their relationship (Hogan et al., 2021). You might also consider planning a weekly date night, sharing lunch once or twice a week, or taking regular walks together. Prioritizing time with each other—free from distractions—helps maintain and deepen emotional closeness.

Read a Book Together

Reading a book as a couple and discussing it can be a powerful way to build emotional intimacy. While there are excellent books focused on improving marriage, you might also choose a novel, biography, or something that reflects a shared interest. The act of reading and reflecting together promotes trust and open communication, giving you both a safe space to express thoughts, emotions, and perspectives without judgment.

Find a Healthy Balance Between Individual and Couple Time

The healthiest marriages are made up of two individuals who are interdependent—each with their own fulfilling hobbies, careers, or social circles—who intentionally pour into their relationship. Spending all your time together can actually drain the relationship of the fresh energy and perspective that comes from living as whole individuals (Sels et al., 2016). Prioritize self-care and personal growth, and encourage your partner to do the same. Then, return to each other as a strong, secure, and supportive team.

Create a "Fun List”

Counselor Dr. Tony Ferretti suggests that couples make a list of activities they enjoy doing together and intentionally set aside time to do them. Sharing enjoyable experiences helps create lasting memories and deepens emotional intimacy. Reflect on what you used to love doing together during your dating or early marriage days, and include those in your list. Add in new experiences you’ve always wanted to try as well. The key is to regularly choose something from the list and enjoy it together.

Explore Marriage Enrichment Opportunities

Many communities, churches, and organizations offer marriage enrichment classes or retreats, and couples often find that investing in these experiences greatly benefits their relationship. Participating in a structured setting with other couples and guidance from a trained counselor or clergy can help you grow closer and build a stronger, more connected marriage. While these activities may require a significant time commitment, the potential rewards—especially in deepening emotional intimacy—make it a valuable and meaningful investment.

Seek Support When Needed

If you notice emotional distance growing in your relationship, it may be time to reach out to a family therapist. You and your partner may have unintentionally drifted apart, caused hurt, avoided closeness for personal reasons, or simply become overwhelmed by life’s responsibilities. The good news is that with commitment, time, and focused effort, many of these issues can be resolved (Kardan-Souraki et al., 2015).

Remember

Emotional intimacy is a key part of a healthy and thriving relationship. When it’s present, it fosters deeper trust, greater fulfillment, and lasting happiness. If you're finding it difficult to maintain or rebuild that connection, speaking with a therapist can help you find a path forward. With patience and dedication, you can rebuild your bond and strengthen your relationship.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our skilled Marriage and Family Therapists are here to help you build the emotionally intimate marriage you long for. Whether you’re feeling distant, struggling to connect, or simply want to grow closer, we’ll guide you with proven strategies to deepen trust, improve communication, and restore emotional closeness. Let us support you in creating a loving, secure relationship where both partners feel truly seen, valued, and understood.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462/+254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book a counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website for similar articles.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Dip. In Counselling (MFT), B. Com., MA in Counselling, PhD (MFT) On-going

 

References

Wade T. J & Mogilski J. (2018). Emotional accessibility is more important than sexual accessibility in evaluating romantic relationships - especially for women: A conjoint analysis. Front Psychol. 9:632. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00632

Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day R, Gangamma R. (2013) Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. J Sex Marital Ther. 2013;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623x.2012.751072

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour R, Khani S. (2015). A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals. Glob J Health Sci. 2015;8(8):74. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

McDaniel BT, Coyne SM.(2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture. 2016;5(1):85-98. doi:10.1037/ppm0000065

Hogan JN, Crenshaw AO, Baucom KJW, Baucom BRW. (2021). Time spent together in intimate relationships: Implications for relationship functioning. Contemp Fam Ther. 2021;43(3):226-233. doi:10.1007/s10591-020-09562-6

Sels L, Ceulemans E, Bulteel K, Kuppens P. (2016). Emotional interdependence and well-being in close relationships. Front Psychol. 2016; 7:283. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00283