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1. WHAT TO DO WHEN WE FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM OUR SPOUSES

WHAT TO DO WHEN WE FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM OUR SPOUSES

Cindy & Steve Wright observe that it’s completely normal to experience periods of disconnection from your spouse in a marriage. If you're feeling a strong connection right now, that's wonderful, and you should cherish every moment of it, as these periods are often temporary. However, don't be surprised if your marriage eventually enters a season of disconnection. It's a natural part of being in a long-term relationship, as it's impossible to maintain constant "marital bliss." Life inevitably throws challenges your way that can create distance between partners. This might be due to sinful actions that naturally cause problems, or it could stem from unavoidable circumstances like health issues, job loss, or the death of a loved one. Sometimes, disconnection can even be a "silent creep," where you don't notice it until you suddenly feel distant from your spouse. If you're feeling disconnected or your marriage has become a bit mundane, here are some practical tips that may help you reconnect. It’s about taking small, consistent steps.

The Gottman Institute suggests starting small by "turning toward your partner” even for their most subtle attempts at emotional connection—these are called "bids." Show them how much you appreciate and admire them. Be there to support them through tough times and celebrate their victories. These small, daily interactions are actually the most significant romantic gestures, and they'll gradually build a strong foundation of positivity and connection in your relationship. Think of it like eating an elephant, one bite at a time!

Additionally, Beth Young recommends overcoming routine through daily acts of kindness. Let your spouse know you're thinking of them throughout the day. Make it a habit to share a passionate kiss before leaving the house to leave them with a lasting feeling of affection. Even taking 30 seconds to send a caring or enticing email can make a difference. Beyond daily gestures, consistently setting aside time for a weekly date night is crucial to ensure your relationship continues to grow and flourish.

If you're feeling a decline in affection for your spouse, Debi Walter from The Romantic Vineyard suggests actively returning to the way you treated them at the start of your relationship. This means planning thoughtful, romantic dates that cater to their interests, going above and beyond to meaningfully bless them, and giving them your undivided attention when they speak, free from distractions. Additionally, she recommends praying for them, performing acts of service like doing chores they'd typically handle, and making spontaneous calls during the day just to express that you miss them.

In essence, prioritize your spouse as your most important human relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman highlights a common pitfall: couples often dedicate immense time and attention to each other while dating, only to shift that focus to other things after a few years of marriage. He emphasizes that spouses profoundly need one another and encourages a deliberate refocusing of attention on your partner, echoing the biblical call to not just love, but to delight in each other.

To foster an exceptional life and marriage, it's crucial to redirect your focus back to your spouse, rather than getting caught up in common distractions. As Gary Thomas suggests, while enjoying entertainment like TV series is fine, it's easy for "screen time" to dominate, pushing aside more meaningful "page time"—or, in this context, quality time with your spouse. If you find your relationship struggling with a persistent negative atmosphere, frustration, or a general lack of connection, it's time to address the root cause, not just the symptoms. Thomas advises making a conscious change: reduce screen time, reset your mindset, and engage more with reading or other enriching activities. He argues that if you settle for an "average" relationship with God and your spouse, you'll get "average" results. However, if you aspire for more, making these deliberate shifts can lead to a significantly more harmonious and sweeter atmosphere in your mind, home, and marriage.

Adding to this, Phil Carlson highlights the critical importance of communication in a marriage. He points out that a lack of meaningful conversation can lead to growing disconnection. Furthermore, if discussions are solely centered around children, the relationship risks weakening once the children leave home. Carlson wisely notes that different couples communicate in unique ways, and the goal is to help each couple discover the communication style that works best for them.

Phil Carlson encourages couples to consider if they prefer to concentrate their quality time into a single "date night" or if building connection consistently throughout the week is more effective for them. He suggests that for some, daily interactions like saying goodbye, sharing plans for the day, or offering a hug and a brief chat upon returning home are far more crucial than a grand date night. Similarly, while some partners appreciate frequent text messages as a sign of being thought of, others might prefer face-to-face conversations. Ultimately, the key is for each couple to identify what type of quality time best strengthens their unique marriage.

Cindy & Steve Wright also urge you to embrace the idea of setting aside "sacred time" for your relationship. They firmly believe that wedding vows signify entering a profound covenant with both your spouse and with God. The challenge often lies in forgetting the gravity of these vows over time. It's vital to recommit daily to this lifelong journey together, viewing each new day as an opportunity to reflect and embody the love of Christ in your interactions with one another.

To keep the "spark" alive in your marriage and avoid simply coexisting like roommates, Marni Battista highlights the critical difference between merely spending "time" together and carving out "sacred time." Activities like attending social events, spending time with family, or doing chores, while important, don't count as sacred time. Instead, you need to deliberately set aside special moments not just for intimacy, but also to share new experiences like hiking, exploring new places, or even having a staycation in your own city.

Additionally, spiritual connection is a powerful tool for marital strength. Jim Burns points out that Dr. David Stoop estimates a remarkably low divorce rate for couples who pray together. While this isn't about legalism, regularly engaging in a weekly devotional time and praying together daily can build a deep foundation of spiritual intimacy. This practice draws couples closer and better prepares them for the journey of life together, fostering a goal of moving towards spiritual oneness.

Feeling a disconnect in your marriage or relationship? At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our experienced Marriage and Family Therapists are here to expertly guide you and your partner on the path to rebuilding a healthy and vibrant connection. We understand the complexities of relationships and offer a supportive space to address challenges, improve communication, and rekindle the intimacy and joy you once shared. Let us help you strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling partnership.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462/+254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book a counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke for more articles on parenting, relationships and marriages.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Dip. In Counselling (MFT), B.Com., MA in Counselling, PhD (MFT)-on going

 

References

 

Battista, M. (2015). Becoming Irresistible: How to Effortlessly Have Men Pursue You, Treat You Like a Goddess, and Commit to You for Life. (n.p.): 90-Minute Books.

 

Chapman, G. (2012). Life Promises for Couples: God's Promises for You and Your Spouse. United States: Tyndale House Publishers.

 

Stoop, D. (1996). Seeking God together: Spiritual intimacy in marriage. Tyndale House Publishers.

 

https://marriagemissions.com/do-you-feel-disconnected-to-your-spouse/